Official Statement of Apology

I would like to officially apologize to anyone who has ever looked up to me . . . to anyone who ever looked at me and thought they saw greatness . . . to those who love me . . . to those who tolerate me . . . and to anyone who ever thought of me as “not lame.” I have let all of you down, and I am sorry.

Tonight, at approximately 6:00 PM, I did something that I swore I would never do, and that I hope I never have to do again. I hopped in my car, drove four miles down the street, parked my car, walked into the Edwards Grand Teton Cinema in Idaho Falls, and purchased one single movie ticket. I wish I could say that I was meeting a friend . . . that I had people saving a seat for me inside . . . that I was chased into the theatre by a flock of birds. I wish I could say all or any of those things, but I can’t. I’m afraid to say that I, Steven Hilton, went to the movie theatre to watch a movie all by myself.

I know that you’re all disappointed. I know that I have broken the trust of friends and loved ones and the heart of any girl who ever looked at me and said, “hey, he might be a good plan b.” I can’t change what happened tonight, and I know that it will haunt me for the rest of my life . . . maybe even longer. I don’t want to make excuses. I only ask that you can all find it in your hearts to blame Batman for what I’ve done. Not merely because I am the hero that Gotham needs, but because Batman was literally the movie that I saw.

I also would like to take this opportunity to say that John and Michael Smith were dead wrong. Dark Knight Rises was a fantastic ending to an epic trilogy and on par with the first two movies. Christopher Nolan is a genius and a mastermind and never disappoints. In fact, now that I think about it, I’m not really sorry at all. The movie was awesome, and I enjoyed every minute of it. How about you all just lay off me and stop being so judgmental?