The following is an excerpt from an unknown Provo newspaper.
For the past month, rumors have been swirling from Hawaii to Maryland about Steven Hilton’s status as a member of Team Frytime for the 2011 BYU intramural basketball season. Hilton, Frytime’s all-time leader in turnovers and technical fouls, confirmed today that he will not play a third season with the team.
“Man, this is tough,” said Hilton as he announced his controversial decision into a Gatorade bottle microphone at a press conference held in his apartment. “This winter semester, I will be taking my talents to Washington D.C.”
It is the opinion of this reporter that he was referring to his talents in the classroom rather than his talents on the hardwood. A source close to the situation maintains that Hilton has dropped his classes at BYU and accepted a prestigious winter internship position with Ernst and Young, one of four large multinational accounting firms commonly referred to as the Big Four. The source also says that Hilton will be leaving Provo for D.C within a week.
Ever since the announcement, pandemonium has taken over the streets of Provo. Videos are surfacing of angry fans burning intramural jerseys. Single women seem to be taking it especially hard.
“I can’t believe he’s leaving,” said one woman. “I really wish I would have taken advantage of the time I had with him in Provo. Guys like him just don’t come along every day…I almost feel a need to repent.”
The reaction of his teammates has been similar.
“Steven will be missed,” said John Smith, current team captain of Frytime, “not really on the basketball court but definitely by the ladies.”
Paul Smith, a former team captain for Frytime who was fired after the team failed to reach the second round of the playoffs last year, said the following. “Steven Hilton has been and always will be like a father to me. He taught me everything I know about the game of basketball, and for that I will always be grateful. On the other hand, I’m excited for the change because last time Steve left Provo I got a girlfriend. The ladies sure are going to miss him though. Even my girlfriend Jill is going to miss him.”
These reactions have not gone unnoticed by Mr. Hilton.
“I’ve enjoyed my time in Provo,” said Hilton in an ambiguously sarcastic voice, “but it’s time for me to go out and see the world…again. I will miss my roommates, my ward, my FHE family, my goober little brother, my flat-screen TV, and most importantly Jimmer Fredette. Peace out Provo. I’ll be back someday.”
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